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Spring semester to end one week early

The Northeastern administration has announced that the last day of the spring semester for the 2015-16 academic year has been moved up from April 30 to April 22. Accordingly, the last day of classes will be April 15, and final exams will run from April 18 through April 22.

“This winter was unseasonably warm, and we closed the university for only one day because of snow,” a university spokesperson said looking summer-ready in plaid bermudas and short-sleeve shirt. “We thought this was a nice way to reward students and faculty for their tireless efforts in the face of unseasonable conditions.”

Health concerns also contributed to the decision to shut the doors early.

Studies have shown that, as physician James Levine, put it, “sitting is the new smoking,” increasing the risk of developing diseases such as heart disease, cancer, and type 2 diabetes. He should know: Levine, an obesity specialist, invented the treadmill desk.

The change will require faculty to condense their syllabi, folding the last two weeks of instruction into one. Students, of course, will have to reset their internal cram-session clocks, replacing the usual leisurely buildup to finals with a sprint to the finish.

But the sacrifices will be worth it: A rip-the-bandage-off approach to the pain of finals and a longer summer. “The shorter spring semester,” noted the spokesperson, “promises long gains.”

This article is part of Northeastern’s 2016 April Fools’ Day coverage.

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