Victoria and David Beckham’s feud with son Brooklyn shines a light on adult child-parent estrangement
Will the Beckhams reconcile with their estranged son, Brooklyn? Here’s what the experts say.
The rift between British power couple Victoria and David Beckham and their son Brooklyn Beckham seems to be growing greater every day, with Brooklyn alleging on Instagram that his famous parents tried “endlessly to ruin” his relationship with new wife Nicola Peltz.
In declaring that he does not wish to be reconciled with his parents, Brooklyn made his family one of the most visible examples yet of the growing phenomenon of estrangement between adult children and their parents.
About one in eight relationships between adult children and parents over the age of 55 is estranged, said Keli Rugenstein, a marriage and family counselor who runs Parents of Estranged Adult Kids, PEAK, a recovery support group for estranged parents.
“It’s in the millions,” she said, adding that estranged parents frequently blame a third party, such as a spouse, in what is called “a leveraged estrangement.”
Support groups for estranged children like Breakaway cite a number of reasons for estrangements, including everything from physical and sexual abuse and homophobia to parents playing favorites, being unable to apologize, exercising financial control and disapproving of an adult child’s relationship.
“We’re hearing more cases about it in social media and popular media,” said Laurie Kramer, a Northeastern University professor of applied psychology. She said there’s more acceptance of people seeking an “out” when they are really unhappy or feel that relationships are hurting them.
“They feel there’s no hope to have a really meaningful conversation in which the parents are able to listen and absorb and hear and accept what they are being told,” Kramer said.
In the case of celebrity families, she said adult children may feel their famous parents used them for publicity purposes, posting about family events not to share joy but to promote careers.
That is the case with Brooklyn Beckham, who on his now viral Instagram post says his parents used him to publicize their family and that his mother, a fashion designer and singer who went by Posh Spice, canceled making Peltz’s wedding dress at “the eleventh hour” and hijacked his first wedding dance with his new bride.
The fact that the Beckhams are wealthy and appeared, to outside eyes, to give their children everything they need is no surprise to Rugenstein, who said most members of the support groups she runs range from upper middle to upper class.
The estranged children “are the kids that have everything. Horseback riding lessons. Disney World every year,” said Rugenstein, who also counsels young adults in her private practice.
She said her clients do not identify as abusers, although some admit to substance use that kept them from fully participating in family life. Outside of differences in political or religious views, parents who are estranged from their children often say they are confused by what caused the rift, Rugenstein said.
The adult children respond by saying, “If you don’t know what you did, I’m not going to tell you,” she said.
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Kristen Lee, a Northeastern teaching professor in behavioral science and author of “Clean Slate: How to Make Change Happen,” says rigidity or an extreme approach can help destroy relationships that could benefit from mending or healing, not outright elimination.
“Cancellation of loved ones should never be a cavalier decision,” she said. Looking at relationships, including that of parent and child, through a hopeful, strength-based lens can repair bonds if both parties participate, said Lee, who is writing a book about restoring relationships called “Better Off With You.”
Adult children and parents could agree to talk about things they have in common, rather than let tensions escalate, she said. “You can say, ‘We tend to fight a lot about politics, but we enjoy taking walks together or we like a good pizza.’ Look at other points of agreement or positivity. Can those be nourished?”
Lee said she doesn’t like family members to go too long without contact because it’s harder to re-engage after months of estrangement.
There’s a pattern in estranged families in which adult children cut off contact for months, reconcile, then go no contact for a longer period of time, until it’s a complete cutoff, Rugenstein said.
“This dance is very, very common,” she said, adding that when people are estranged for more than a year, the reconciliation rate is low.
However, some statistics favor reconciliation. A 2023 study of parent and child estrangement in the Journal of Marriage and Family reported that 81% of adult children reconciled with their mother and 69% with their father.
What these statistics mean for the Beckhams, who certainly have the funds to afford top-flight family therapy, remains to be seen.
