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The first year of college can be tough, but these tips on making friends, managing loneliness and building connections can ease the transition.
Many first-year college students worry about making friends as they transition to campus life.
For some, it may be the first time they will be living independently, or living in a big city, says Alexandra Rodman, assistant professor of psychology at Northeastern University.
“It is an exciting time,” she says, “but also nerve-wracking because everything is changing at once.”
New college students leave behind their families and support systems during a critical developmental phase when their brains are still maturing, she says, and they are learning essential life skills.
Taking social risks is part of meeting new people, Rodman says.
“[Worrying] doesn’t mean you can’t do it,” she says. “It just means that it’s probably a little anxiety-provoking.”
Since all first-year students are in the same boat, they can be more forgiving about awkwardness, Rodman says.
“It is socially acceptable to walk down the hall, knock on a random person’s door and say, ‘Hey, my name is so and so, and who are you? Nice to meet you,’” she says.
Feelings of loneliness are universal among first-year students, regardless of background, says Mark Prokosch, associate teaching professor of psychology at Northeastern.
“Loneliness is like a social pain signal,” Prokosch says. “It’s one of the many things that compels us to want to have at least one or a couple of good, close friends.”
However, these feelings are temporary, especially if one makes even small efforts to connect to others. Just getting a classmate’s phone number at the beginning of a semester, Prokosch says, can lead to a stronger connection.
“You can not only improve academic wise [together], but you guys can maybe think about going out for coffee,” he says.
At any age, having a reciprocated friendship, where both people feel like “best buds,” Prokosch says, is like an inoculation for all life’s adversities.
Research shows that people need four to six close friends, he says, but this can include existing relationships like parents or high school friends. A good start is making two or three new friends in college, Prokosch says.
Roommates offer a great opportunity for making friends, says Analia Albuja, assistant professor of psychology at Northeastern. Albuja’s research shows that first-year students assigned a roommate of a different race developed a more diverse network of friends.
“One of the positive benefits of making friendships in college is that they can introduce you to a different network or different cultural background, different things they do, new ways of learning and new experiences,” Albuja says.
In her book “Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends,” Marisa Franko compares expectations that people have for romantic relationships to how much people are societally expected to invest into friendships.
In that sense, Albuja says, friendships have less value than a close romantic relationship.
“We’re not necessarily always explicitly setting out to make friends,” Albuja says.
Psychological research suggests that friendships can be powerful and meet a lot of human needs, such as the need for belonging and self-expression. Being intentional about making long-lasting friendships might be essential, Albuja says, because friendships need repeated contact. Joining clubs or activities where people interact consistently can foster deeper connections.
The energy that one goes with into an interaction matters, too. According to research, Albuja says, people often overestimate how much others judge them negatively.
She suggests repeating an affirmation such as “People like me.” Adopting this mindset can help being warmer and more open when meeting people.
Another strategy, Rodman says, is setting small goals like introducing yourself to three people. Having a “designated buddy” to attend events with can also make social situations less intimidating during the early weeks.
“It doesn’t have to be someone who ultimately becomes the best friend,” she says.
Striking up conversations can be daunting, but typically first-year students are interested in learning about their new peers, Rodman says. So people might try asking questions like “Where are you from, what school did you go to, or what activities did you do?”
“Those are an easy way to find maybe some shared interests,” Rodman says.
Effective communication is crucial, especially in noisy environments, explains Jonathan Peelle, associate professor of psychology and communication sciences and disorders at Northeastern.
Some people might struggle hearing others due to a medical condition or social anxiety.
“The ears hear, but it is the brain that understands,” Peelle says.
Hearing individual words that are being said is not enough to understand the conversation; it requires processing language and emotions, Peelle says.
Making eye contact, choosing quieter settings or having one-on-one conversations can help improve understanding. Little pauses between sentences also give the brain a chance to process information.
Northeastern experts agree that maintaining mental health during transitions like starting college is vital.
“It is a period of vulnerability, when people need to be aware of their own well being and how they’re doing,” Rodman says.
Staying connected with loved ones and building new support systems, she says, can provide stability. Social support is a powerful stress buffer, Rodman says, both emotionally and neurochemically. Establishing routines that prioritize connections — like regular calls home or intentional time with friends — can be key to resilience.
“Make sure to lean on those who you feel you have close bonds with when needed even if reaching out for social and emotional support to some people isn’t something you’ve really done before,” Rodman says. “It doesn’t mean you’re not a grownup if you miss home. No matter what age you are, people do, and that’s OK, too.”